Cookies

I have been overcome, the last eight or nine days, with a sense of my own inadequacy – as a mother, a sister, a wife, and a friend. Part of it, I’m sure, is sleep-deprivation. But another, deeper part has to do with the fact that – much as I strive to do right - I am a sinner (Romans 7).

Small tasks have caused me the greatest worry. When, sitting at the kitchen table after lunch, Audrey asked if she could have another cookie, I was gripped by indecision. Should I let her have one? I want to avoid giving her too much sugar but I also don’t want to say no to everything. In the grand scheme, are two cookies that big of a deal? Probably not. So why not give her one? But then, perhaps I am being too indulgent. Kids need boundaries; and it is my job to teach Audrey self-discipline.

Then I was engulfed by a new and greater anxiety: if I am having such a hard time making the right decision in such a small area, how am I going to do the right thing when it ‘really counts?’

After explaining my ‘dilemma’ to a friend who has four grown children, she said, “One or two cookies isn’t the point; the point is, am I staying close to Jesus? Am I listening for His voice (John 10.4)? Heather, walking with God is as simple as reaching out and taking His hand. I try not to over-analyze, I just trust him and I love him and I follow where he leads.”

Listening to her I realized: God and I have a shared desire: we both want me to be a good mother, a good wife and sister and friend.

That afternoon I read from the gospel of John: “No one has ever seen God but God the One and Only, who is at the Father’s side, has made him known” (1.18). Lightning sounded. Thunder struck as I considered again the miracle that God, in Christ, became a human being; that His life and death paved a way for me to go to God at all times, for all things, both big and small, the essential and the seemingly nonessential.

So why don't I go to Him more often? Why do I even try to figure things out on my own?

At dinner I looked over at Evangeline who was lying on her quilt, staring up in wide-eyed wonder at the world. I thought of Mary and the feelings of awe she must have had as she watched her Son, the God-man, grow…

“He did so much…” I told Dutch, “made himself subject to the laws of nature… to hunger, cold, and human frailty… then died a sinner’s death so that I could approach God with confidence. I can’t imagine if Evangeline lived and died to give me such a gift and I never took advantage of it.”

When I looked up at Dutch there were tears in his eyes. For a moment, neither of us spoke.

There was nothing left to say.