(Since when do a plastic potty, an empty coffee cup, and a bottle of red wine go together? Since I started potty training.)

Day four of potty training. Today we went through fifteen pairs of underwear but as of yet, no success. Sigh. There’s nothing like running to and from the toilet every twenty minutes for three days straight to put a damper on one’s resolve. It's hard to resist the sense of futility and failure that rushes to meet me the moment I fall into bed.

I know that when you are training young children "victory" takes many forms. A mature woman recently told me that when she was home with three young children she judged her day a success based on whether she remained clothed and in her right mind.

Still, there is a part of me that wants some tangible proof of all my labor; and I would venture to say I am not unique in this desire: as human beings we all want to have “something to show” for the sum of our efforts.

But here I must remind myself that it is not a matter of what I have to show for my works; it is what He has to show for His. The work of Christ on the Cross means that I am His masterpiece, His living poemas – “written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God” (2. Cor. 3.3).

And as such I am in the process of becoming something more marvelous it is beyond imagining… “It is by grace I am what I am,” says Paul, affirming the idea that it is not what we do that is of utmost importance – it is who we are. Christ is the penultimate finisher of what He starts. He promises that, in the end, He will present us without fault and with great joy before the glorious presence of His Father...(Jude 1.24).

God has given me work to do; plenty of it. But my real labor is in believing “in the living God, who is the Savior of all men” (1 Tim. 4.10); and not allowing myself to get bogged down by all the (in my case, literal) refuse that begs to be the central focus of all my days.

Ultimately, my goal isn’t just to get Audrey out of diapers. My goal is to assist her in acquiring the character qualities that will enable her to become the woman He designed her to be. “For physical training is of some value,” Paul says, “but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come” (1 Tim. 4.8).

“I can’t do it!” Audrey squealed at one point this afternoon. Sweetheart, neither can I, I wanted to say. Not in my own strength; but thanks be to God I don't have to. For His blood sacrifice ... has provided me another way of getting through life: and that is by relying on Him.

The Redemption of Christ means that those things which, on the one hand, seem to oppress me can also be opportunities to be transformed. Thus rather than expending all my energies resisting the challenges of life - whatever their form - I want to embrace these challenges, believing they are ordained by him to drive me further into His arms.

“Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.” ~ Deuteronomy 33.12

Playdough Parlor

Aunt Kate sent her a My Little Pony Playdough Kit for her birthday. Technically the playdough was supposed to be molded into hairstyles for the ponies but Audrey discovered something much more fun.

precious things

"Wherever you turn your eyes the world can shine like transfiguration. You don't have to bring a thing to it except a little willingness to see. Only, who could have the courage to see it? .... Theologians talk about a prevenient grace that precedes grace itself and allows us to accept it. I think there must also be a prevenient courage that allows us to be brave - that is, to acknowledge that there is more beauty than our eyes can bear, that precious things have been put into our hands and to do nothing to honor them is to do great harm."
~ Marilynne Robinson, Gilead

seeing through a glass dimly

I was standing in line at a nearby optical center, waiting for my number to be called, when I saw my optometrist step out of his office in his long white coat. Curious to know whether I might be a good candidate for lasik surgery, I approached him and asked whether he remembered our consultation from the week before.

“Of course I remember,” he said, smiling, “You’re the one with very near-sighted vision.”

In a flash of recognition, the obvious meaning of the term “near-sighted,” which I had never really stopped to think about or seen written on a page, became suddenly clear: being near-sighted literally means your visual capacity is restricted to objects which are very near. How was it I had lived so long - thirty years! - without realizing this?

But as a child I never understood the term. I can see just fine close up, I used to think, it's when I try to focus on the far-away chalkboard that I start to squint.

I assumed the diagnostic label should have been written in negative, instead of positive terms: in fact, I was "far-blinded" or "distance-impaired."

To this day my vision remains crystalline to within five inches of my face; beyond that, objects are a blur; people appear like “trees walking around,” and I am literally helpless without my glasses.

By the time the man behind the counter finally called my number, I was deep in thought: I realized I am not only biologically near-sighted, I am spiritually near-sighted. That the temporal and spiritual are fused. Scripture affirms that God willfully created me this way - for “we see through a glass dimly;" that is, we were made to walk by faith and not by sight.

I realized, too, that there exists a kind of geographic security that is independent of whether you know where you are, or how to read a map.

Audrey is only dimly aware that we live in a place called ‘Arizona’ and that it is different from other places like ‘Portland’ or ‘Pittsburg.’ I’m not even sure she knows the difference between boys and girls let alone what street we live on… But she knows me; and when she lays her weary head down on her pillow at night she believes beyond speaking that I will be there when she wakes up in the morning; and that she can trust me to guide her through the day.

In the same way, my Compass is a Person: Jesus Christ. And He not only gives me vision to see just enough space in front of me to take the next step, He promises there is no place He will ask me to go where He won't go with me. That is part of what the crucifixion accomplished, after all.

Thus from a spiritual standpoint, my limitation is also a blessing, making it possible for me to learn to trust God.

And while it is true that I cannot apprehend what heartaches or triumphs are waiting wrapped up in my tomorrows, Jesus can. Jesus sees and knows all. And though I may not “see” Christ as crisply and solidly as I see my reflection in the mirror, I know that He sees me – and with more depth and insight than I will ever see myself.

What is more, while I cannot see into my future, I can, in a very real if mysterious sense, “see” Jesus. I see Him in the Scriptures; I hear His Voice in my heart; and every moment presents me with the opportunity to cling fast to His hand just as Audrey clings to mine.

A Slice of the Party

Three!

She had so much fun at the party she didn't want to change out of her dress... I was reluctant to let her sleep in it but Dutch convinced me. She slept long and soundly, the whole night through.

A Visit to the Beauty Parlor

Today is her birthday; tomorrow is her party. So what better way to prepare then a visit to the beauty parlor? It was her first one. And though she was near to tears by the end, she did a grand job sitting still.

March "Teen!"

She turns 3 tomorrow. Dutch spent two days making her a dollhouse; and tonight I will be up late painting it. Would you believe that Lowe's has specially a formulated household color to match Tiffany blue?

An homage to the Irish

We spent all morning coloring pictures for a certain Mrs. Mary Elizabeth Dunn Brennan of 2 Robyn Drive, New York: my grandmother, of whom we are most proud.

If only we lived around the corner we would have dropped by to give you this plant, the oxalis regnellii, or, Everblooming Shamrock.

We love you Nana B.!

Playing with Matches

I have always wanted a set of longstem matches... I got some in the mail from a dear friend a few days ago. Audrey immediately put them to good use.