Audrey says, "Don't worry!"

... we are on the mend.

Seeing Spots

So it's official... we are now, unequivocally, part of the “in crowd:” this morning Evangeline tested positive for H1N1. At first I received the news with equanimity. But then I thought back to the conversation I'd had with Dutch on Sunday afternoon.

“Why didn’t you make me go with you to get vaccinated?” he had asked, while lying in bed with a fever.

“I told you three times we were going,” I said. “If you wanted to come you could have…”

“But you should have made me go…” he groaned.

“Oh,” I said, “because making you do things has proven to be so successful in the past!”

After a few moments he admitted, “I know that’s not fair. It wasn’t your responsibility.” But as I sat beside his sick bed contemplating the possibility of Evangeline, who had been too young to receive the vaccine, becoming ill, I felt like I had dropped the ball … Why hadn’t I made him go with me? How could I have been so thoughtless? Chalk it up to poor communication, poor planning, or pure stupidity, the bottom line was: he hadn’t. And it was too late to do anything about it.

“From now on we'll have a new family policy,” I said. “Every year we go together to get vaccinated…”

But as I drove to the pharmacy, after having spent the previous night awake with a feverish baby, my mind wandered back down the same trail… Maybe if I had made him get the shot he wouldn’t have gotten sick… and then maybe Evangeline wouldn’t have gotten sick… and then maybe… maybe… maybe… by the time we arrived home I was on the verge of having a panic attack.

I flipped nervously through the Wallstreet Journal and happened to notice an opinion article about the 13 American soldiers who were killed in Texas, called, “Why Fort Hood Really Happened.” The reason, the journalist said, was confusion. There have been so many policy changes regarding terrorism that even though the US electronic surveillance intelligence was able to pick up the phone calls that the shooter made to an imam in Yemen before the killings, they didn’t do anything about it… The intelligence people simply didn’t know what to do …

Then I went to my Bible and read about how the Israelite leaders imprisoned Peter and John for performing miracles in the name of Christ. "[T]o stop this thing from spreading any further among the people," they said, "we must warn them to speak no longer to anyone in this name" (Acts 4.17).

Of course, I thought, we can and should try to mitigate trouble and disaster.. both in our government and our own homes. Bad policies should be amended, clarified or eliminated. But no matter how stringently we try to regulate our environment, circumstances force us to acknowledge that we are not in control. Vaccinations are far from being 100% effective... And even if Dutch had gotten one Evangeline could have just as easily picked up the virus somewhere else...

The bottom line is: The Sanhedrin could not control the spreading of the gospel any more than I can control the spreading of swine flu.

A hard truth... but this is part of why I take such comfort in the crucifixion, for it is proof of all proofs that God can and will accomplish His good purposes, even in situations which appears to represent the worst of all possible outcomes...

“This man was handed over to you by God’s set purpose and foreknowledge; and you, with the help of wicked men, put him to death by nailing him to the cross. But God raised him from the dead, freeing him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold oh him... Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will live in hope, because you will not abandon me to the grave...You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence” (Acts. 2.23-28).

Soul Food

Though the 90-degree weather does not smack of cold and flu season, all you have to do is take one step inside my home and you will find yourself smacked indeed... with fever, chills, and a runny nose... which is why for Sunday dinner I decided we needed something wholesome, like Coq au Vin. It is marvelous and marvelously simple to make - just throw some chicken and vegetables, along with a bottle of red wine, 2 cups of broth, and S & P, into a roasting pan for the better part of a day and...voila! C'est finit. You can bump it up to the level of "divine" if you include crusty, chewy slices of warm french bread slathered with cold, hard butter. I guarantee you, the butter won't be the only thing that melts right there at the table...

At dinner I sat across from Dutch - very far across from him, in fact, to avoid contagions - and with every steaming mouthful found my frayed nerves calmed, my tired body reinvigorated, and my sense of internal equilibrium slowly - but slowly! - returning.

"No wonder meals like this are called soul food," I said. "I feel as though my soul - which seemed fractured a moment ago - is being restored to a state of wholeness." Dutch, who is verbally concise by nature, and acutely laconic when ill, said not a word; he didn't even throw me a nod of recognition. But I choose to believe that he agreed with me. And as I sat there listening to the sound of myself chewing I began to think about Christ’s attitude toward food while he walked the earth...

I thought about when the five thousand gathered to listen to Christ's teaching... how He was unwilling to let them go away hungry… and instead He took a boy’s meager lunch, five loaves and two fishes, and multiplied them into enough food to feed the vast mountainside of people…

I remembered the exchange between Christ and his disciples after Christ had had the miraculous and (to the disciples) baffling encounter with the Samaritan woman... The disciples offered Him food; Christ refused it, saying, "I have food to eat that you know nothing about" (John 4.32). "My food," he went on, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work" (John 4.34), suggesting that we gain spiritual nourishment by being obedient to God.

The next morning, with these thoughts still in my mind, I read Luke chapter 24. In it, the resurrected Christ first appears to his disciples, who are terrified, thinking they are seeing a ghost. To qualm their fear, Christ shows them His hands and feet as proof that He is, in fact, Himself… “Touch me and see,” He says, “a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have” (Luke 24.39).

Another thing that a ghost does not have, presumably is... the ability toeat. Which is precisely why I found Christ's subsequent words so shocking: "‘Do you have anything to eat?’” He asks; and Luke says, “They gave him a piece of broiled fish, and he took it and ate it in their presence” (24.43).

Can you imagine, I thought to myself, being there in that room with the resurrected Lord - who is now no longer an earthly being - and having Him ask you for something to eat??? Such an ordinary, earthy, essentially human thing to say. And yet, Christ said it.

I am well familiar with Biblical themes of heavenly feasting... The metaphor of being invited to a banquet, of eating the body and blood of Christ, is rife throughout Scripture... But for some reason I had never considered the very obvious fact that eating presupposes hunger... that an enormous part of why that steaming bowl of Coq au Vin tasted so extraordinary was that I was hungry.

For some reason, I have never imagined heavenly beings as possessing the sensation of physical hunger... Instead, when in my subconscious mind I picture heaven, I am more likely to imagine disembodied spirits floating around in some undefined location. But this image of Christ bent over a piece of broiled fish begs me to relinquish my assumptions. In fact, it forces me to; as well as to remember that the resurrection does not simply mean spiritual regeneration - though that in itself is remarkable - but physical regeneration as well.

Christ's resurrection means that we will be reunited with Him, and with all those who have experienced death before us, in a world where there is some form of hunger and eating.

I am nothing like a theologian, and my "musings" on this subject might have been better left unwritten... but if I have been haunted by anything these last few days it is the idea that God not only created me to hunger and thirst, but that these longings are eternal, and not just temporal. Perhaps most amazing, He created me not only to experience hunger and thirst, but to be filled... with food and drink, yes, but most and first and best of all, with Himself.

Princesses all in a row...

Audrey woke up with a runny nose... she gathered together all her "Cinerellys" (which came yesterday in a box from Nanny) and her favorite pillow and the Korean blanket from off of my bed... then she curled up on the couch and said, "I halfta go sleep now, Mom! O-kay?"... It was a sight to see.

My Own. Personal. Pumpkin.

... reach out and touch faith.

doodles for audrey

Audrey was at Beppe's... Dutch was busy being sick... so what did I do but doodle away the afternoon...

I'm missing your love love love

Dear sweet Audrey Sophia,

Daddy has the flu... and we didn’t want you to catch on… so you are spending the night with the grandparents. We had so much fun in the car, on the way to meet Beppe, belting out the lyrics to the Black Eyed Peas: "I can't stand another night / stand another night without you / Since you've been away everything don't seem like it used to be / between you and me cause I'm missing you / I'm missing your love love love..." It was the perfect foreshadowing.

After Evangeline went to sleep I sat up with Daddy and folded laundry while we watched a movie. I got distracted every time I came across one of your little shirts. I think it is the first movie we have watched from start to finish since – I don’t know, the day you were born?!

It was a treat; but not as much of a treat as having you around… I think I would give up movies altogether if it meant I could have you around me forever… Just so you know I called Uncle Ry-ry and he is going to write up a contract for us to sign...

How is it possible that in only four hours I already miss your enormous brown eyes, your rambunctious personality, your laughter ricocheting off of every wall? I miss them so much it hurts. This afternoon you were like a babbling brook, chattering nonstop, telling Daddy, “you halfta go back to bed, Dad!” And by the time naptime rolled around I was ready to pull out all my hair.

But tonight, on my way to change out the laundry, I found your coral hair bows on the grass outside; and I thought about our day together, how we ate bagels with cream cheese and you made pebble soup, and played “beauty parlor” and I trimmed your bangs and painted your nails a shade called “Elephantastic Pink”… incidentally it is the color I had on the day your baby sister was born. At that moment, with your bows in my hand, my heart surged with love and longing for you… so I called your Beppe’s phone but there was no answer. I wasn’t surprised given that Grandpa and Beppe are in the middle of a major renovation… perhaps you are all outside sleeping under the stars? I wonder.

Wherever your head is laid, I hope you are sleeping soundly, dreaming the dreams of angels.

Yours forever,

Ma-ma

late night

Dutch was coughing and achy all night, poor man... so I slept on the couch... and stayed up way too late.

Possession

I happened upon this picture last night while perusing someone's blog:































I sighed.

It is a pictures of a Central Park tree. The air looks crisp and cool. Scarf and sweater weather.

My sister lives in New York City and I sure hope she has strolled down this path:

Have you, Kate?

I sighed again.

It was 92 degrees yesterday.

And then I got to thinking: what is it about my nature that insists I must possess something in order to appreciate it? I find myself responding this way, not only to things, but people. How absurd! But that is why it's called possessiveness, I suppose. The word itself means "the act or state of owning or holding something." To possess something is to control it... to have it for myself... and I would venture to say it is this same desire that got us expelled from the garden...

If there were leaves in my front yard would I enjoy them more?



If this painting were hanging on my wall would it give me more satisfaction?


I don't think so. Not once the initial thrill had worn off...

But one thing I do possess, one thing God gave me, is my imagination... I can close my eyes and in my mind, for far less than the price of a plane ticket, the air is crisp and cold, and my street is lined with stone houses, all of them boasting leaf-bright lawns...

A La Encantada Morning...

Oh, the irony...

I didn't grow up listening to the Carpenters… I was born too late. But when i picked up their record at a neighborhood estate sale last month I was filled with such vague feelings of nostalgia that I had to purchase it.

When I got home I put the needle down on their song, "Top of the World," and was immediately lifted on waves of affectation... I took Audrey's hand and we twirled around the living room, light as air… we listened to the song over and over again until, at a certain point, I began really listening to the words:

"Such a feelin's comin' over me," it begins,
"There is wonder in most everything I see
Not a cloud in the sky
Got the sun in my eyes
And I won't be surprised if it's a dream

Everything I want the world to be
Is now coming true especially for me…

I’m on the top of the world
looking down on creation
And the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I've found
Ever since you've been around

Your love put me on the top of the world..."


Isn't it ironic, I thought to myself, that the woman who composed these lyrics was found dead at the age of 32, in a closet at her parent’s home, on the same day her divorce was supposed to have been finalized?

…The coroner report said she died from heart failure brought on by anorexia.

From a career standpoint, Karen Carpenter was, in her place and time, "on top of the world"...and yet the circumstances that ended her life seem to suggest that her success wasn't what she thought it would be... and that it didn't satisfy her...

The next morning I read from John chapter 11 which describes how, two thousand years ago, a group of religious leaders conspired to take the life of Christ because they were threatened that his continued ministry - i.e. curing lepers and raising people from the dead - would attract attention and incite "the Romans [to] come and take away both [their] place and [their] nation" (v.53).

Again, I thought, sooo ironic… For the Pharisees’ act of aggression (which was really an attempt at self-preservation) accomplished the very thing they were seeking to avoid: Christ’s death not only brought about His resurrection - it led to the conversion of the Roman Empire, and established Christianity as the single-most influential force in the development of the Western world.

Interestingly, both Ms. Karen Carpenter and the Jewish religious establishment got what they wanted... at least, in the short term. And both must have experienced a momentary sense of satisfaction though the outcome of their striving was far from satisfying...

And yet I still want to control my life, believing that I know what is best for me... when the truth is, I am out of control...and I haven't the faintest clue what is best...

This would be a terrifying, and darkly depressing thought, if it weren't for two redeeming facts: first, God is in control; and second, He is good...

Alexander Solzhenitsyn, the Nobel-prize winning author who was unjustly sentenced to more than a decade in various Siberian prison camps, said, “Looking back, I saw that for my whole conscious life I had not understood either myself or my strivings. What had seemed for so long to be beneficial now turned out in actuality to be fatal, and I had been striving to go in the opposite direction to that which was truly necessary to me. But just as the waves of the sea knock the inexperienced swimmer off his feet and keep tossing him back onto the shore, so also was I painfully tossed back on dry land by the blows of misfortune, and it was only because of this that I was able to travel the path which I had always really wanted to travel.”

Solzhenitsyn's period of imprisonment turned out to be a period of enlightenment... leading him to a transformation of soul that he could not and would not have otherwise achieved...

If I have learned anything in the last seven years it is that those circumstances I most wish to eliminate from my life are probably the very ones God is using to transform me... those things that I consider "blows of misfortune" may in fact be more rightly termed "acts of providence," keeping me on the path I truly want to travel.

So the moral of the story is that I must continue to hurl myself into God’s loving arms, embracing the truth that He is not only in control, He is in the process of accomplishing His purposes,even in the most absurd, befuddling, ironic, and painful areas of my life...

For inspiration (and perhaps the ultimate example of irony) I need only consider Christ's words as He looked forward to the most gut-wrenchingly painful moment of his life...compared to which my own pain seems paltry. “Now my heart is troubled," he said, "and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour?’ No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!’

One of those days...

When I went out to change the laundry Audrey decided that Princess Aurora needed a diaper change... I am so glad she remembered to use Desitin... Last week she split her chin open at the park... around the same time some school boys stole my phone off the bench and have been sending obscene text messages to family and friends... at lunch she fell again and re-injured the chin... I couldn't call the doctor because I am still waiting on a new phone...

This afternoon Aud ran around outside for 40 minutes yelling, "Father, Father, Father!"... I have no idea why... perhaps it is a clue that I should pray more...